Friday, April 4, 2008

#27 Prodigies

What better way to transition from Wu-Tang than prodigies? Naw, not that Prodigy, but while we're on the topic, hold it down in the mess hall for me homie!

While some of my Asian brethren rep the Prodigy from Mobb Deep, most Asians favor child prodigies like Abigail Sin (above) and white people love writing about it. Check out Time Magazine and Andrew Marshall's feature on "Small Wonders"

There are 10 year old MCSE programmers, 13 year old pro golfers, 3 year old ping pong players, and 15 year old PHD's. There's three sides to the humorous phenomenon every Asian loves:

1) It's funny to get your ass kicked in ping pong by some Asian chick with sponge bob glasses that can't see over the table.

2) Intense people are entertaining. When I'm around intense people, I like watching them bug out over something like "I CAN'T PLAY 5 OCTAVES!!! MY HAND IS TOO SMALL!" Word, I can't drink 6 beers, my enzymes are too small, cry me a river!

3) When white people see Asian Prodigies, they either want to adopt them because they're so cute and well spoken or they want to Image Map their brains to figure out how soy sauce and green tea helped these baby geniuses so they can prevent the inevitable Asian Invasion. Once they figure it out, Vitamin Water's gonna come out with Green Soy: A day's worth of antioxidants and sodium to make you a crazy asian piano playing prodigy as well! No thanks, I'll drink Formula 50 cause I want to drive green lambos like FITTY and spray the AR to make your whole crew break dance. "Get a tan, I'm already black, rich, I'm already that!"

But, back to Asians. While we love watching little people doing crazy adult things, it's really not worth the grind. These kids lose their childhood years practicing their skills with every waking hour. And, they don't have the creativity to catch up with the technical skills they develop. By the time they master the skills, they ain't got the source experiences to take it to the next level. I remember my mom tried to get some baby genius out of me, making me practice things like piano, violin, math, and being Chinese, but I wasn't havin' it. I went outside to kick my neighbor's cat and door to door sell them shit they didn't need so I could use the points for remote control cars. This whole Asian Prodigy thing is a new phenomenon, can't we just go back to drinking at tea houses and scrapping with dudes that use different kung fu forms (Tiger vs. Mantis)? Kids should be outside shooting each other with water guns, eating boogers, and pretending to be WWF wrestlers. Jake the Snake vs. Rick the Model Martel, it ain't that hard to keep it real people!

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

#25 The Wu-Tang Clan

AHHHHHHHH, Wu Mother Fuckin' Tang. After the Opium Wars/Western Arrival in Asia and the downfall of Kung-Fu/Ju-jitsu/Tae Kwon Do's supremacy, Asians were on the slide. We got our asses handed to us by Admiral White Bread and all pride was sucked out of the motherland. From 1839 to 1993, shit was not sweet. Euros did to Asia what the Feds did to the hood. Dope got dumped and people got dumb. The soy-sauce side kicks and dragon punches just didn't have the snap that they used to before ope hit the streets. For a while, it looked like Asians would be relegated to being punk bitches playing with abacuses and working for Ford, but ENTER THE WU-TANG.

I was a young buck in Middle School when the Clan came through and I bugged the FUCK OUT. For real, I was scared. I didn't know what hit me. There was visions of killer bees, fire bombed trash cans, cocaine straight from Bolivia, and Nine really pissed off black dudes on some Shaolin Swordplay. Being 11 years old when I first heard the brothers from Shaolin, I thought the shit was illegal, but I wasn't givin' it back; that shit made me proud to be an Asian again.

Of course, before Wu, I was still gettin' busy in the scraps after school, but mad dudes down South clowned Asian kids and the way we looked. Even if you win the fight, the words are in your head. A lot of Asian kids held up Black Leaders like Martin, Malcolm, Charles Barkley, etc as their heroes cause you don't see any Asian ones in American culture. If Staten Island was the forgotten borough, Asian was the forgotten culture. We've made a come back since then, but that come back was due to the RZA, the GZA, Ol' Dirty Bastard, Inspektah Deck, Raekwon da chef, U-god, Ghostface Killah, AND M-E-T-H-O-D MAN! BONG BONG, shit, me and my brothers named our iguanas Meth and TICALLLLLL. We were high as Wu-Tang could get and it was this point in my life that I said to myself: I will never be ashamed to be Asian again. I slapped myself at least 100 times for even thinking bad thoughts about Planet Asia, but finally, because of the Wu, I was back in effect.

Who knew it was gonna be a gang of hai ren from the forgotten borough that brought Asian Pride back to the people, but they did. Most of their songs are about urban struggle in black neighborhoods, but Asians understood it, embraced it, and appreciated the lessons of the Shaw Brothers Wu-Tang Films that were worked into their tales of struggle and survival. It taught us a powerful lesson, dudes with tans and funky eyes got to stick together. Power in Rotten Bananas!

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Things *Some Asian People (and white dudes with Asian Fetishes) Like #24 Strange Japanese Sex Fantasies

Ok, for the uptight Asian reader wearing a Banana Republic pencil skirt, now would be the time to hide under the cubicle and wait till tomorrow's post. For the rest of us, it's time to face reality. Asian porn is awkward as a mother fugger. Girls like Lucy Lee and Ava Devine take the hunger for pipe to levels it really never needs to go. They say things that make me think, "Damn, I hope this girl doesn't have grandparents cause it's gonna be one hell of an awkward Lunar New Year at this household."Whether it's Chinese, Korean, Indian, or Japanese porn, the traditional outfits and awkward rituals before the smash fest make for strange cinema, especially since the girls all look 14.

Yet, after 16 some years of research and analysis, I have to say, Japanese Porn takes the cake. I can't even say I like or can watch this stuff. It makes me feel like I'm a bad person. For real, I think fear factor got its idea from watching bukakke films. It shouldn't even be categorized in porn. There should be a section at the Adult Video Store titled, "Stupid Human Tricks" for all the Japanese porn. The weirdest thing is that considering all the crazy things shown in Japanese porn, they decide to blur out pubic hair. Like showing lil' pubert is worse than having mayonnaise martinis.

But, crazy bukakke is just one aspect of the awkwardness. There's also Japanese Bondage and the nastiest of all: shit eating. I've never seen this or 2 girls one cup, but from what I've heard, you probably can't eat for a month after watching. Of all people, my aunt was wandering around Tokyo and saw a strange door with a bouncer outside. He wouldn't let her in, but she insisted on getting a peek. Eventually, she slid the guy $20 just for a glance, what did she see? PEOPLE EATING SHIT. I kid you not, there are underground shit bistros in Japan serving Dookie Sandwiches. I have never met anyone that likes it, but the prices are exorbitant and they are in business. Thus, #24 with a skidmark: Strange Japanese Sex Fantasies.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

#23 Michael Jordan a.k.a. Qiaodan

In Asia, Jordan is God. If Confucius were to rise from the dead one Sunday and Jordan arrived in Beijing at the same time, it wouldn't even be close, everyone would go see Jordan. His arrival in China was religious. People cried, gasped, fainted, had seizures, you name it, they did it. There is no one bigger than Jordan. Yao's not even close. We love Yao, but Jordan transcends human limitations and literally defies gravity. His nickname in China? Mid-Air Flying Man a.k.a. Kong Zhong Fei Ren (check my pinying please).

Not only is Jordan physically God-like, but mentally as well. He's a tireless worker, silent assassin (really didn't talk much or give sound bites), natural born leader, and cold blooded when he needs to be: sayonara Bryon Russell. Combine his ability to fly like crouching tigers with his perfect mental make-up and you have the role model of all role models for Asia.

I don't need to re-hash his career, you all know he was arguably the most dominant athlete of all-time in the perfect era (rise of cable media, read Eric La Faber's Michael Jordan and the New Global Capitalism). But the way he did it means even more to Asians. We're not the most idealistic people and the emphasis on winning can be stifling, but these tendencies fed into Jordan's popularity. He wanted to win at all costs, never stopped competing (gambling, golf, women), and did it with an iron fist. In recent eras, Asians, especially Chinese have become more idealistic (after Cultural Revolution and Mao), but it's hard to shake old tendencies especially when Jordan shows there's gold at the end of the rainbow if you follow it.

His story of being cut as a high schooler who never lost again is legendary. It borders on Mulan-type epic proportions because it shows perseverance, sacrifice, and dedication to a goal. But, unlike Mulan or any other person, Jordan combined the perfect work ethic and mental make-up with genetic supremacy. He is, in Asian eyes, perfect. #23 with a bullet, "MJ, hem Jay, fade away perfect!"

Monday, March 31, 2008

#22 Pushing and Shoving

Asians are frequently portrayed as docile, obedient, meditative people. Apparently, we're model minorities. Girls are silent Geishas and guys are "yes men" who work twice as fast for half the price. Well, NEWS FLASH for you people responsible for updating stereotypes, GO TO Chinatown, Koreatown, Woodside, or your local Hmong Reservation. You won't see any docile Asians meditating or counting green tea leaves. What you will see are a bunch of grimy yellow folk pushing, shoving, and elbowing the shit out of each other.

The Pushing Fever leaves no one untouched. From kids to grandparents, everyone participates in the melee. You'll see a businessman hitting some businesswoman with his briefcase and she'll stick her heels into his calves. You look at your watch and it's 6pm Wednesday Night, WHERE THE HELL COULD THEY BE GOING? Asians are always pushing without a cause heading as fast as they can to places that never close, like Bamn!, the Japanese vending machine on St. Marks that Asians are always pushing to get in front of.

Go into any local Pinkberry. Just try it. Even if there's no line, some guy with a Goku haircut on a date with his Korean shawty will stick his leg out and trip your ass cause its all part of the game. Trip an Asian from another clan, make your ancestors proud. Get caught set trippin and you get "Bs," fail out of high school, and end up selling man tou on the street until you die of Fukianese Mole-Hair Disease. Everything is inter-connected. One false move and millenia spent building the family name could come crashing down on your fat ass cause you got tripped at Bubble Island trying to get some Taro and Boba. Way to go numnuts.... It's a chinaman eat dog ... I mean asian eat asian world out there and if you don't attack first, you get stir fried.

#21 Gambling (including but not limited to Blackjack and Pai Gow)

Straight Frush VINNAH! That's the sound you hear from the Asian Pit at any Casino worth it's salt. If you haven't heard, Asians kinda got the itch. Blackjack, Pai Gow, Poker, Baccarat, Craps, Roulette, Mah Jong, you name it, we play it. If there's money involved, we want it and we'll chain smoke Hong He cigarettes until we get it.

A lot of Asian-American history experts like to trace the "itch" back to the old railroad days where men came over to work on the West Coast without their families. What happens when an Asian man has money, but no wife within 200 miles? Magically, hookers, opium, and dice fall out of the sky and into his lap. But, this obsession goes back even further. It's not just men that have the "itch," women do as well. I've seen many a female mah jong rounder in my time leaving men with nothing but a pair of blue blockers and bamboo house slippers to walk home in after losing his shirt at the poker table.

If you've been to Foxwoods lately, you've seen the old ladies who look like they could turn to dust by lunch carrying thick ass stacks of notes tracing a week's worth of baccarat numbers. The "itch" is so bad, it brought Vegas to it's knees catering to every strange Asian Superstition on the planet. Ever wondered why the Wynn is 50 floors but is numbered up to 60? Asians are superstitious about the number 4, SO, the floors go from 30 to 40 and then 50 to 60. Read about it here Additionally, the MGM Grand tore down the main 80-foot roaring-lion entrance door because Asians don't like walking into the mouth of a lion.

The real reason we love gambling is superstition. It's a way to confirm or denounce ancient superstitions from lucky cats to lucky numbers to lucky concubines. Asians use Vegas as a way to confirm our superstitions and observations of the universe. It's the perfect system to plug and chug our theorems. Win money, and the superstition is true. Lose money and the superstition is false, but stay at the table, and try other superstitions until something works. Run out of money, well, don't call your wife, she's probably playing mah jong next to your mom and dad playing $1,000 slots. But, look on the bright side, if you can find $20 on the floor, there's always the hookers!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

#20 Bad Hygiene (1st edition: Diaper Changing at Dim Sum)

It's Sunday and I just got back from Dim Sum as every good Asian is on a Sunday afternoon. Today, we were at Jin Fong and saw the above happen right next to us. As I was biting into some shu mai, this family decided to bring the 3rd World to Manhattan by changing their baby's diaper AT THE COMMUNAL TABLE. Just so people know, Jin Fong seats you at communal tables with people that may or may not be with your party. Imagine if someone at your local diner whipped out a diaper and got down to business at the counter? Personally, I loved it and for some odd reason, it may have even made me hungrier, but everyone else started asking for their checks. The best part was there were tons of bai ren tourists there who weren't prepared for the whole Asian Dim Sum experience complete with Diaper Ending. But hey, the juice is worth the squeeze, Jin Fong's got the best dim sum in chinatown...

For those that don't know, this is not an isolated instance of bad Asian hygiene. If you go to the motherland, you'll see plenty of people peeing in the city's water source, human poop on the sidewalk, and CEO's spitting on the street while walking to power lunches at Golden Peacock Palace or something equally fantastic. It's not that we don't know it's gross, we just don't care. So what we spit on the sidewalk and people get sick? There are like 8 billion Asians, we could go for another Avian Flu Outbreak in a year or two. Think about it as chlorine in the gene pool. We just want to speed up the process and improve natural selection by creating a sess pool like environment on the streets.

So, if you're going to the olympics this summer and see people changing diapers at restaurants or taking dumps on the street, just let it go. There's a science to this hygiene thing. Survivor China isn't a one year thing for Asians, it's a daily battle to develop immunities against the bio-crises locals have to offer.