In Asia, Jordan is God. If Confucius were to rise from the dead one Sunday and Jordan arrived in Beijing at the same time, it wouldn't even be close, everyone would go see Jordan. His arrival in China was religious. People cried, gasped, fainted, had seizures, you name it, they did it. There is no one bigger than Jordan. Yao's not even close. We love Yao, but Jordan transcends human limitations and literally defies gravity. His nickname in China? Mid-Air Flying Man a.k.a. Kong Zhong Fei Ren (check my pinying please).
Not only is Jordan physically God-like, but mentally as well. He's a tireless worker, silent assassin (really didn't talk much or give sound bites), natural born leader, and cold blooded when he needs to be: sayonara Bryon Russell. Combine his ability to fly like crouching tigers with his perfect mental make-up and you have the role model of all role models for Asia.
I don't need to re-hash his career, you all know he was arguably the most dominant athlete of all-time in the perfect era (rise of cable media, read Eric La Faber's Michael Jordan and the New Global Capitalism). But the way he did it means even more to Asians. We're not the most idealistic people and the emphasis on winning can be stifling, but these tendencies fed into Jordan's popularity. He wanted to win at all costs, never stopped competing (gambling, golf, women), and did it with an iron fist. In recent eras, Asians, especially Chinese have become more idealistic (after Cultural Revolution and Mao), but it's hard to shake old tendencies especially when Jordan shows there's gold at the end of the rainbow if you follow it.
His story of being cut as a high schooler who never lost again is legendary. It borders on Mulan-type epic proportions because it shows perseverance, sacrifice, and dedication to a goal. But, unlike Mulan or any other person, Jordan combined the perfect work ethic and mental make-up with genetic supremacy. He is, in Asian eyes, perfect. #23 with a bullet, "MJ, hem Jay, fade away perfect!"
After watching the video above, you may be convinced by the host of Internet Superstar, that China is taking over the world. He marvels at the Chinese Goat/Monkey Trainer's ability to teach the goat to tight-rope walk and balance itself over a soup can. But, I thought to myself. Is this guy really impressed over a simple Goat/Monkey tight rope walking exhibition? Perhaps he hasn't left the late 80s/early 90s-Wayne's World Style Basement he's filming out of the last 20 years. Trust me, America's WAYYYYY past animals, it's moved onto humans....
In 1993, America had firmly established its international dominance economically, politically, and militarily. All was quiet on the North American front and the gaze was shifted beyond the water's edge. International mind control was the next frontier. To further this plan, The Backstreet Boys were created. It took 4 years for the research and development of B.B., but in 1997, they blew up. I was in Orlando at the time and I remember the fervor.
Pants started getting tighter, men's voices started getting sharper, women started getting moist, and all anyone could talk about was The Backstreet Boys. They had us glued to televisions thirsting for hits such as "Quit Playing Games with My Heart" and "I Want It That Way". Luckily, I had mind interference headphones, the equivalent of a gas mask for your neurons, pumping B.I.G. and Tupac, R.I.P. These two brothers saved me from being controlled like all the others who took the soma, but when they got capped by the Feds, I didn't know what to do.
I had nothing to play in my mind interference headphones and we were bombarded by Operation Sing and Dance. N'Sync, Brittney Spears, Jessica Simpson, all these weapons were unleashed on the International Public and everywhere you went, people were talking about their hearts. Apparently, the mind control had cardiac side effects. SUCH IRONY! The Backstreet Boys singing "Quit Playing Games with My Heart," people going nuts for it, and the same sugar they were gobbling up was the cause of all the heart ache! People stopped reading, writing, and lost all control of their minds. All they could think about was the ache in their hearts caused by the proliferation of Boy Bands and Solo Female Artists. At first, minorities were spared and had quite the laugh watching all the white people bent over gripping their chests on random Starbucks Coffee sidewalks, but then.....
They got Jay-Z. After Pac and B.I.G. died, two people held it down for Mind Defense Radio a.k.a. The Hip Hop Nation. Nas and Jay-Z. First, they went after Nas economically. Nastradamus and the infamous "Oochie Wally," forced Nas back to the lab where he stacked his chips and got his Mastermind on before striking back at the empire with a boatload of Ether. In the meantime, Jay-Z held it down until Destiny's Child hit the scene. Of all mortals, Jay-Z was the strongest. Smart, street savvy, gangsta and a businessman. Falsetto voices, tight pants, pink nipples, skinny asses, and songs of heart ache didn't phase Hova Da God. After years of being rebuffed and resisted by Jay-Z who continued to put out hood bangers (a.k.a. neighborhood watch music) like 1-900 Hustler, Takeover, and Song Cry, they got him with the Jelly. Beyonce's Jelly to be exact.
Since 2001, Hova creeps out every once in a while to protect the people when necessary, but he's slowly been lured to the soma. He signed off on being the front man for the Brooklyn Nets project that is going to displace Brooklyn residents and gentrify the neighborhood with the accompanying Atlantic Yards Project. He's doing tracks like "Umbrella" and he stopped drinking Cristal (for good reason though). He did bless us with Dear Summer and Lost One, but every time he escapes the grip, they feed him the jelly and he retires. Nas is still comin' hard and his next album may be the savior, but after the last 10 years, I'm not optimistic. One man can't carry us alone. If he did some remixes with Obama, we'd have a fighting chance, but "The Man" is already splitting Obama from his real homies a.k.a. Rev. Wright. It looks like Obama will have to work on an island from here on out without any help from his friends.
Nowadays, only those that use language defense techniques or lack the access to American music are safe. Many residents in Flushing, Corona, the Bronx, Chinatwon, and small pockets of Lower East Side Manhattan have language defense barriers. I believe one of the primary defense barriers is a technique called "I no speak-a inglesh".
If you're scared of China cause a few people there can control goats, don't be. America's got blacks, yellows, browns, and soon, the Middle East all under its clever mind control weaponry. Last week, I even put mustard on an egg roll and opted for a micro brew over OE at my local deli. I can't complain though. We have 99 cent menus, Fox News, and an endless supply of American Idols satisfying us with their vocal stylings. Whenever I'm down, I turn on the boob tube and watch SomaTV. My heart aches, but nothing else does. China can have it's goats, they'll never catch up, cause we got boy bands. And if you ask Asians what their favorite stupid animal trick is, they'll say MTV, that shit got us on lock like tight-rope walking goats.
This is a special edition of Things Asian People Like. While our other blogs are things ALL Asians like, only Asian Moms like Kumon Math. First off, let me set the foundation. Math is religion for Asians. Multiplication tables are our version of J.C., the tables came down to Earth from the heavens to forgive Asian mortals for their mathematical sins. The Multiplication Gospel showed us the light and saved us from any future sins. Math is our religion and KUMON is our Church.
I HATE CHURCH and I HATE KUMON MATH! It's a method invented by Toru Kumon, a Japanese Brotha. I remember when I was 5 years old, my mom asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I said, I want to be Charles Barkley. To me, Chuck was a freak of nature. He was fat as shit, still super athletic, got tons of nookie from white chicks, and had funny nicknames for everyone. My goal was to be Charles Barkley. Like any good mom, my mother did everything she could not to see it happen. As soon as I said I wanted to be a 6'5" 260lb Hai Ren who went to strip clubs for the legs and eggs shift, she marched my yellow ass straight down to the nearest Kumon Math Center.
While other kids were out playing ball, collecting bugs, and enjoying life, I was doing packets of timed math problems under halogen lights with other four-eyed zombie looking Asian kids. I mean, mom, seriously, was there not a Rex Kwon Dojo in the neighborhood I could have gone to instead? I'm sure our ancestors would have been equally proud if I could break a piece of wood with my face. But alas, mom never listened. She believed in the power of Kumon Math.
This is a photo of a Kumon class. Notice the inordinate amount of Asian people. While all these politicians and hipsters point to China, India, and other South East Asian Textile Sweatshops, they turn a blind eye to the sweatshops right here in AMERICA! What, do the Beastie Boys need to go on a Free Kumon Students Tour for you people to pay attention?
Here, we have a sheet from a Kumon Math Packet. usually, there are 20 to 25 pages of these front and back. You have 2 minutes to finish the packet and if you don't finish or you miss too many problems, they send in the Japanese John McCain to hit you over the head with an abacus, dunk you upside down in a toilet and make you eat American food like Mayonnaise Sandwiches. Chinese McCain hurt, McCain hurt weal bad.
