This is a special edition of Things Asian People Like. While our other blogs are things ALL Asians like, only Asian Moms like Kumon Math. First off, let me set the foundation. Math is religion for Asians. Multiplication tables are our version of J.C., the tables came down to Earth from the heavens to forgive Asian mortals for their mathematical sins. The Multiplication Gospel showed us the light and saved us from any future sins. Math is our religion and KUMON is our Church.
I HATE CHURCH and I HATE KUMON MATH! It's a method invented by Toru Kumon, a Japanese Brotha. I remember when I was 5 years old, my mom asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I said, I want to be Charles Barkley. To me, Chuck was a freak of nature. He was fat as shit, still super athletic, got tons of nookie from white chicks, and had funny nicknames for everyone. My goal was to be Charles Barkley. Like any good mom, my mother did everything she could not to see it happen. As soon as I said I wanted to be a 6'5" 260lb Hai Ren who went to strip clubs for the legs and eggs shift, she marched my yellow ass straight down to the nearest Kumon Math Center.
While other kids were out playing ball, collecting bugs, and enjoying life, I was doing packets of timed math problems under halogen lights with other four-eyed zombie looking Asian kids. I mean, mom, seriously, was there not a Rex Kwon Dojo in the neighborhood I could have gone to instead? I'm sure our ancestors would have been equally proud if I could break a piece of wood with my face. But alas, mom never listened. She believed in the power of Kumon Math.
This is a photo of a Kumon class. Notice the inordinate amount of Asian people. While all these politicians and hipsters point to China, India, and other South East Asian Textile Sweatshops, they turn a blind eye to the sweatshops right here in AMERICA! What, do the Beastie Boys need to go on a Free Kumon Students Tour for you people to pay attention?
Here, we have a sheet from a Kumon Math Packet. usually, there are 20 to 25 pages of these front and back. You have 2 minutes to finish the packet and if you don't finish or you miss too many problems, they send in the Japanese John McCain to hit you over the head with an abacus, dunk you upside down in a toilet and make you eat American food like Mayonnaise Sandwiches. Chinese McCain hurt, McCain hurt weal bad.
