#10 Engrish

So what if we speak funny, this is OUR Engrish. Asian languages are frequently tonal and we say what sounds good. Our subject word agreement may be a little bit lacking and the inability to differentiate past from present tense may make comprehension slightly difficult, but hey, we're having more fun with English than you are and we aren't embarrassed that grandma says, "Haro" instead of "hello" or "Brack" instead of "black". If any of you young Asian Americans are embarrassed, GET YOUR MINDS RIGHT and go practice violin before I put my cotton kung-fu shoe up your arse! Smell me??!! Grandma gets to say whatever the hell she wants.

We take pride in adding a little stank to English by replacing "V's" with "B's," "L's" with "R's," "E's" with "A's," and accentuating the first syllable of most words or drawing out the word "HOoooooonnnnnooooooorrrrr".

With Engrish, we like to just get to the point. Police are busy on the F.E.C. (Far East Coast) and there isn't time or patience for conjunctions, articles, or conjugates. Just let us know, "ARE YOU STOLEN?!?"


Lastly, if you are not Asian and you want to speak Engrish, you're not allowed. Don't wear Engrish t-shirts, don't replace L's with R's, do not ask if I am stolen. I'm ok, you're ok, but mocking my grandma's Engrish is NOT OK.

#4 The Term "Hai Ren"

The image above is the packaging for a brand of toothpaste many Asians, specifically, Taiwanese and Chinese, refer to as "hei ren" toothpaste.Most Asian countries such as China, India, or Korea unified many ethnicities and races to unite under one banner. What people don't know is that part of the agreement to unify, was that a pact was signed agreeing to project all Asian ignorance and hatred outwards toward all non-Asian cultures and races. This was the only way leaders such as Qin Shi Huang Di, The Last Emperor Tom Cruise, and others were able to convince everyone that looting their neighbor's tea house was not the most efficient way of growing their GDP.

This ignorance toward other cultures and ethnocentrism is still prevalent today as evidenced by the term "hei ren," which means "black person" in Chinese. For many Chinese people, it is difficult to say "black people". Hearing the term causes panic, frenzy, and perhaps even the infamous Chinese Fire Drill. Instead, Chinese people say "hei ren". Combining the force of the idea of black people with the native tongue, quells fear and the subject can then be discussed civilly. You could be hearing a keynote speech from a respected scholar on American Film at UC Berkeley and most likely he will stop mid-sentence to speak Chinese if anything "black" is involved. This is done in the interest of safety and security, but I ask, when will it stop people? When can we assimilate the word "black" like we've assimilated "white" into our vocabulary. Is it really that bad grandma?