Monday, March 31, 2008

#22 Pushing and Shoving

Asians are frequently portrayed as docile, obedient, meditative people. Apparently, we're model minorities. Girls are silent Geishas and guys are "yes men" who work twice as fast for half the price. Well, NEWS FLASH for you people responsible for updating stereotypes, GO TO Chinatown, Koreatown, Woodside, or your local Hmong Reservation. You won't see any docile Asians meditating or counting green tea leaves. What you will see are a bunch of grimy yellow folk pushing, shoving, and elbowing the shit out of each other.

The Pushing Fever leaves no one untouched. From kids to grandparents, everyone participates in the melee. You'll see a businessman hitting some businesswoman with his briefcase and she'll stick her heels into his calves. You look at your watch and it's 6pm Wednesday Night, WHERE THE HELL COULD THEY BE GOING? Asians are always pushing without a cause heading as fast as they can to places that never close, like Bamn!, the Japanese vending machine on St. Marks that Asians are always pushing to get in front of.

Go into any local Pinkberry. Just try it. Even if there's no line, some guy with a Goku haircut on a date with his Korean shawty will stick his leg out and trip your ass cause its all part of the game. Trip an Asian from another clan, make your ancestors proud. Get caught set trippin and you get "Bs," fail out of high school, and end up selling man tou on the street until you die of Fukianese Mole-Hair Disease. Everything is inter-connected. One false move and millenia spent building the family name could come crashing down on your fat ass cause you got tripped at Bubble Island trying to get some Taro and Boba. Way to go numnuts.... It's a chinaman eat dog ... I mean asian eat asian world out there and if you don't attack first, you get stir fried.

#21 Gambling (including but not limited to Blackjack and Pai Gow)

Straight Frush VINNAH! That's the sound you hear from the Asian Pit at any Casino worth it's salt. If you haven't heard, Asians kinda got the itch. Blackjack, Pai Gow, Poker, Baccarat, Craps, Roulette, Mah Jong, you name it, we play it. If there's money involved, we want it and we'll chain smoke Hong He cigarettes until we get it.

A lot of Asian-American history experts like to trace the "itch" back to the old railroad days where men came over to work on the West Coast without their families. What happens when an Asian man has money, but no wife within 200 miles? Magically, hookers, opium, and dice fall out of the sky and into his lap. But, this obsession goes back even further. It's not just men that have the "itch," women do as well. I've seen many a female mah jong rounder in my time leaving men with nothing but a pair of blue blockers and bamboo house slippers to walk home in after losing his shirt at the poker table.

If you've been to Foxwoods lately, you've seen the old ladies who look like they could turn to dust by lunch carrying thick ass stacks of notes tracing a week's worth of baccarat numbers. The "itch" is so bad, it brought Vegas to it's knees catering to every strange Asian Superstition on the planet. Ever wondered why the Wynn is 50 floors but is numbered up to 60? Asians are superstitious about the number 4, SO, the floors go from 30 to 40 and then 50 to 60. Read about it here Additionally, the MGM Grand tore down the main 80-foot roaring-lion entrance door because Asians don't like walking into the mouth of a lion.

The real reason we love gambling is superstition. It's a way to confirm or denounce ancient superstitions from lucky cats to lucky numbers to lucky concubines. Asians use Vegas as a way to confirm our superstitions and observations of the universe. It's the perfect system to plug and chug our theorems. Win money, and the superstition is true. Lose money and the superstition is false, but stay at the table, and try other superstitions until something works. Run out of money, well, don't call your wife, she's probably playing mah jong next to your mom and dad playing $1,000 slots. But, look on the bright side, if you can find $20 on the floor, there's always the hookers!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

#20 Bad Hygiene (1st edition: Diaper Changing at Dim Sum)

It's Sunday and I just got back from Dim Sum as every good Asian is on a Sunday afternoon. Today, we were at Jin Fong and saw the above happen right next to us. As I was biting into some shu mai, this family decided to bring the 3rd World to Manhattan by changing their baby's diaper AT THE COMMUNAL TABLE. Just so people know, Jin Fong seats you at communal tables with people that may or may not be with your party. Imagine if someone at your local diner whipped out a diaper and got down to business at the counter? Personally, I loved it and for some odd reason, it may have even made me hungrier, but everyone else started asking for their checks. The best part was there were tons of bai ren tourists there who weren't prepared for the whole Asian Dim Sum experience complete with Diaper Ending. But hey, the juice is worth the squeeze, Jin Fong's got the best dim sum in chinatown...

For those that don't know, this is not an isolated instance of bad Asian hygiene. If you go to the motherland, you'll see plenty of people peeing in the city's water source, human poop on the sidewalk, and CEO's spitting on the street while walking to power lunches at Golden Peacock Palace or something equally fantastic. It's not that we don't know it's gross, we just don't care. So what we spit on the sidewalk and people get sick? There are like 8 billion Asians, we could go for another Avian Flu Outbreak in a year or two. Think about it as chlorine in the gene pool. We just want to speed up the process and improve natural selection by creating a sess pool like environment on the streets.

So, if you're going to the olympics this summer and see people changing diapers at restaurants or taking dumps on the street, just let it go. There's a science to this hygiene thing. Survivor China isn't a one year thing for Asians, it's a daily battle to develop immunities against the bio-crises locals have to offer.

Friday, March 28, 2008

#19 Breakdancing

For eons, Asians showed their cat like quickness through art forms and martial arts such as Lotus Dances or Kung-Fu. But, once China let gun powder slip through the wall to the outside world, snap dragon kicks became pretty obselete. It's taken a while for us to recover from the fact that two-inch punches are no match for the trigger, but recently, we've turned to break dancing.

Break dancing is like Ninja training, without the malicious intent. While ninja activities require roof hopping, break dancing can take place within a small 6ft by 6ft area. With the growing Asian population and increased density, break dancing's focus on floor moves within tight corridors is ideal. You're more likely to kick the shit out of yourself than some rival ninja from another village, but what the hell, you look really cool doing it.

Break dancing has become a fantastic outlet for Asian genes to showcase their value. Unlike basketball or football, which do not accentuate the Asian physique, break dancing does. Being short, stumpy, and agile are all pluses for break dancers. Add in the Asian propensity for good pound for pound strength ratios and you have the ultimate Asian hobby. We may not be able to kick the shit out of a Tienanmen Tank or General with an AK, but we can get funky like stinky tofu when Shawty Lo comes on.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

#18 Jews

From following Jewish footsteps into the Deli business, dry cleaning, and investment banking to sharing Christmas Dinner together, Asians and Jews got a lot of love. We both use the Lunar Calendar, we find each other tolerable, and if we're forced to do interracial business deals, there's no one else we'd rather sit down with.

Both Asians and Jews have very similar family characters as well. Frequently, children are berated by OCD mothers and ethnocentric grandmothers who LOVE making embarrassing cultural commentary when our "goy" friends are around. At the moment of birth for both groups, the OCD mom wants to see their children rocking the best Bergdorf Goodman has to offer underneath an Ivy League Issue Cap and Gown in approximately 22 years. 3 years later, they should add another graduation ceremony, and 6 months later, they should marry either an Asian or Jew and have kids, or, adopt them from China and move to the Upper East Side. This is the Jewish-Asian-American Dream.

Our mothers share a dream, our grandparents share a distrust of black people, and we both love Char Siu Pork (non-kosher Jews that is), which my man Peter Shapiro claims is, "The food of the Jews". Additionally, Asians respect chip stackers who keep the money in the neighborhood a la Squirrel Hill, Pittsburgh, P.A. With all this taken into consideration, it's safe to say, if there was no Confucian Analects, we'd be following the Torah. Lastly, on a semi-personal note, we are both feeder races for The University of Michigan, shout out to all my Zingerman's fans! (It's semi-personal cause I was the one Asian w/o grades to go to Umich, but my girl did, so I guess I am attending vicariously)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

#17 SARS Masks

While SARS masks serve a utilitarian purpose, many Asians go Rip Hamilton and enjoy rockin' em as fashion statements even when there isn't Bird Flu in the air. Above is a photo from Boon, a Japanese and Netherlands based design studio offering "Couture SARS Masks".

This is the description on the site:
The very sterile looking white gauze mask inspired to make it more cheerful and funny while still serving its purpose. This new mask is no longer masking, but transforming the part of the face it is hiding, integrating face and mask.Currently there are 15 types of masks, varying from animals and human snouts, to zippers. Next to this customized masks are available, such as the mask for the Hanshin Tigers.

No diggity, way to go Planet Asia! When life gives you lemons, draw tiger whiskers on them. I like how Asians can keep the hello kitty act going even when facing continental disaster. Nothing can shake our fortitude or re-organize our priorities, which would be:

1) Being Cute
2) Honoring the Family
3) Blurring the Lines Between Animal and Asian

To analogize, this would be like Louisianians buying giant lobster hands to wade through a flood or perhaps Platypus tails to cover your ass when Hurrican Katrina blows your pants off. Hey, if you're going to get got by bird flu, why not do it with a funky ass sheep nose on your face?

#16 Stupid Animal Tricks, Backstreet Boys, and Jay-Z

After watching the video above, you may be convinced by the host of Internet Superstar, that China is taking over the world. He marvels at the Chinese Goat/Monkey Trainer's ability to teach the goat to tight-rope walk and balance itself over a soup can. But, I thought to myself. Is this guy really impressed over a simple Goat/Monkey tight rope walking exhibition? Perhaps he hasn't left the late 80s/early 90s-Wayne's World Style Basement he's filming out of the last 20 years. Trust me, America's WAYYYYY past animals, it's moved onto humans....

In 1993, America had firmly established its international dominance economically, politically, and militarily. All was quiet on the North American front and the gaze was shifted beyond the water's edge. International mind control was the next frontier. To further this plan, The Backstreet Boys were created. It took 4 years for the research and development of B.B., but in 1997, they blew up. I was in Orlando at the time and I remember the fervor.

Pants started getting tighter, men's voices started getting sharper, women started getting moist, and all anyone could talk about was The Backstreet Boys. They had us glued to televisions thirsting for hits such as "Quit Playing Games with My Heart" and "I Want It That Way". Luckily, I had mind interference headphones, the equivalent of a gas mask for your neurons, pumping B.I.G. and Tupac, R.I.P. These two brothers saved me from being controlled like all the others who took the soma, but when they got capped by the Feds, I didn't know what to do.

I had nothing to play in my mind interference headphones and we were bombarded by Operation Sing and Dance. N'Sync, Brittney Spears, Jessica Simpson, all these weapons were unleashed on the International Public and everywhere you went, people were talking about their hearts. Apparently, the mind control had cardiac side effects. SUCH IRONY! The Backstreet Boys singing "Quit Playing Games with My Heart," people going nuts for it, and the same sugar they were gobbling up was the cause of all the heart ache! People stopped reading, writing, and lost all control of their minds. All they could think about was the ache in their hearts caused by the proliferation of Boy Bands and Solo Female Artists. At first, minorities were spared and had quite the laugh watching all the white people bent over gripping their chests on random Starbucks Coffee sidewalks, but then.....

They got Jay-Z. After Pac and B.I.G. died, two people held it down for Mind Defense Radio a.k.a. The Hip Hop Nation. Nas and Jay-Z. First, they went after Nas economically. Nastradamus and the infamous "Oochie Wally," forced Nas back to the lab where he stacked his chips and got his Mastermind on before striking back at the empire with a boatload of Ether. In the meantime, Jay-Z held it down until Destiny's Child hit the scene. Of all mortals, Jay-Z was the strongest. Smart, street savvy, gangsta and a businessman. Falsetto voices, tight pants, pink nipples, skinny asses, and songs of heart ache didn't phase Hova Da God. After years of being rebuffed and resisted by Jay-Z who continued to put out hood bangers (a.k.a. neighborhood watch music) like 1-900 Hustler, Takeover, and Song Cry, they got him with the Jelly. Beyonce's Jelly to be exact.

Since 2001, Hova creeps out every once in a while to protect the people when necessary, but he's slowly been lured to the soma. He signed off on being the front man for the Brooklyn Nets project that is going to displace Brooklyn residents and gentrify the neighborhood with the accompanying Atlantic Yards Project. He's doing tracks like "Umbrella" and he stopped drinking Cristal (for good reason though). He did bless us with Dear Summer and Lost One, but every time he escapes the grip, they feed him the jelly and he retires. Nas is still comin' hard and his next album may be the savior, but after the last 10 years, I'm not optimistic. One man can't carry us alone. If he did some remixes with Obama, we'd have a fighting chance, but "The Man" is already splitting Obama from his real homies a.k.a. Rev. Wright. It looks like Obama will have to work on an island from here on out without any help from his friends.

Nowadays, only those that use language defense techniques or lack the access to American music are safe. Many residents in Flushing, Corona, the Bronx, Chinatwon, and small pockets of Lower East Side Manhattan have language defense barriers. I believe one of the primary defense barriers is a technique called "I no speak-a inglesh".

If you're scared of China cause a few people there can control goats, don't be. America's got blacks, yellows, browns, and soon, the Middle East all under its clever mind control weaponry. Last week, I even put mustard on an egg roll and opted for a micro brew over OE at my local deli. I can't complain though. We have 99 cent menus, Fox News, and an endless supply of American Idols satisfying us with their vocal stylings. Whenever I'm down, I turn on the boob tube and watch SomaTV. My heart aches, but nothing else does. China can have it's goats, they'll never catch up, cause we got boy bands. And if you ask Asians what their favorite stupid animal trick is, they'll say MTV, that shit got us on lock like tight-rope walking goats.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

#15 Kumon Math

This is a special edition of Things Asian People Like. While our other blogs are things ALL Asians like, only Asian Moms like Kumon Math. First off, let me set the foundation. Math is religion for Asians. Multiplication tables are our version of J.C., the tables came down to Earth from the heavens to forgive Asian mortals for their mathematical sins. The Multiplication Gospel showed us the light and saved us from any future sins. Math is our religion and KUMON is our Church.

I HATE CHURCH and I HATE KUMON MATH! It's a method invented by Toru Kumon, a Japanese Brotha. I remember when I was 5 years old, my mom asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I said, I want to be Charles Barkley. To me, Chuck was a freak of nature. He was fat as shit, still super athletic, got tons of nookie from white chicks, and had funny nicknames for everyone. My goal was to be Charles Barkley. Like any good mom, my mother did everything she could not to see it happen. As soon as I said I wanted to be a 6'5" 260lb Hai Ren who went to strip clubs for the legs and eggs shift, she marched my yellow ass straight down to the nearest Kumon Math Center.

While other kids were out playing ball, collecting bugs, and enjoying life, I was doing packets of timed math problems under halogen lights with other four-eyed zombie looking Asian kids. I mean, mom, seriously, was there not a Rex Kwon Dojo in the neighborhood I could have gone to instead? I'm sure our ancestors would have been equally proud if I could break a piece of wood with my face. But alas, mom never listened. She believed in the power of Kumon Math.

This is a photo of a Kumon class. Notice the inordinate amount of Asian people. While all these politicians and hipsters point to China, India, and other South East Asian Textile Sweatshops, they turn a blind eye to the sweatshops right here in AMERICA! What, do the Beastie Boys need to go on a Free Kumon Students Tour for you people to pay attention?

Here, we have a sheet from a Kumon Math Packet. usually, there are 20 to 25 pages of these front and back. You have 2 minutes to finish the packet and if you don't finish or you miss too many problems, they send in the Japanese John McCain to hit you over the head with an abacus, dunk you upside down in a toilet and make you eat American food like Mayonnaise Sandwiches. Chinese McCain hurt, McCain hurt weal bad.

#14 Facial Hair

Meet Radhakant Bajpai...

Meet Badamsinh Juwansinh Gurjar...

Then meet Chow Yun-Fat...

As you can see, Asians DOMINATE the facial hair scene. Above are the respective record holders for the longest mustache in the world and the longest ear tufts in the world. Both record holders are Indian and the Asian community proudly embraces their accomplishments.

Although most of us don't sprout hair in wide areas, once it pops, it won't stop. We have straight hair and it comes out prickly the first half inch. Once you cross the half inch barrier, the hair begins to lose its stiffy and slowly gets softer. Above is a photo of Chow Yun-Fat showing the difficulty Asians have growing horizontally, as opposed to vertically. Due to these traits, the Fu Manchu gained great popularity throughout Asian history. Even if your hair grows in spots, you let it get long and rock the Pacific Triangle with hair coming out in 3 directions off the lip and chin respectively.

Facial hairs are signs of male vanity and those blessed flaunt it. Like Eddie Murphy said, "Singers get all the p@ssy!" That is true in Asia, especially for Karaoke Lounge singers, but even more powerful than a set of pipes is a good set of handlebars. Young Asians, take heed and get the lead out. Let's see those Fus!

Monday, March 24, 2008

#13 Fighting Over Provincial Pride a.k.a. Complaining About Fukienese People

To my left is an image of Fukienese babies. They don't know it, but soon, these babies will be thrown into a bitter civil war between Fukienese and all other Asians.

While many enjoy lumping us all into one category (*cough* like this stupid blog does), Asians actually can't stand their neighbors. We have a lot of Provincial and Ethnic Pride. While the rest of the world hears about China v. Tibet, N. Korea v. S. Korea, and Japan v. Everyone Else, most of the in-fighting happens on a more micro level. EVERYONE HATES FUKIENESE PEOPLE. Japanese, Indian, Korean, Vietnamese, whatever. We may dislike each other, but it is universally agreed by all that at least we're not Fukienese. For a brief history on these people, just understand Fujian is frequently referred to as "8 parts mountain, 1 part water, 1 part farmland." It was the least developed province in China until the 1950s and many Fukes rowed their asses to America. This is the beginning of the dislike towards Fukes.

When Fukes came to America, they proliferated the production of cheap, MSG ridden, oily Asian food. Think Egg Foo Young, Sub Gum ("combo meal of liver, kidney, pig nose, and whatever else happens to be on the floor at the butcher shop"), and Intestines with Thin Brown Noodle, which I must admit is quite good. They did anything they could for a buck and many stereotypes are still here today because of Fuke Activities, such as, selling you a t-shirt with one sleeve or a digital radio that only happens to work on AM channels. But, they got their paper.

Meanwhile, back on the Mainland, Xiamen, a city in Fujian, has become a booming economic area and Fukienese are making it rain left and right. They get money and boy do they get stupid. In Asian culture, we call winning the lottery and spending it on a giant golden lion medallion the next day, Fuke Rich. You can't blame these guys, they've had a grand awakening the last century and in many ways could be viewed as the No Limit Soldiers of Asia: Stupid, dirty, and filthy stinkin' rich.

But honestly, this hate has to stop. Fukienese people laid a lot of the groundwork for Asian Immigration into America and they also happened to preserve more ecological resources than a lot of other areas in Asia. There's a reason for the Fukienese stink, they're nature lovers. It's funny to attack your neighbors, but the generations before us took it to levels it never needed to go. Can't we all just get along and stop hating the Fukes for gettin' paper? The next time you think about uttering any prejudices about your Fukienese brothers and sisters, stop, and think of the wonderful chicken feet in brown sauce you wouldn't have if some sad sap in China was never poor enough to think: "There's protein in them thar feets." Like other poor immigrants, Fukes did what they had to do to survive, it aint their fault others choose to remember the snapshot of Fukes when they first got here and hang onto it as a stereotype.

Here is some recent animosity towards Fukes that must stop now. Just some background, this was a discussion about organizing pot luck until one participant was discovered to be Fukienese. Read from bottom to top:

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 4:29 PM:
Oh yeah, great idea, you should call it Fukienese Tossed Salad

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 4:26 PM:

Dude, what a great idea. ghetto potluck. Everyone bring leftovers and you recreate a new meal!

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 4:19 PM:

Provincial Pride! i like that. I have a large piece of steak and some check left over too. I can bring those over. It's leftover from weekend food. Both are really good.

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 3:00 PM:

Stay out of this G@#$%. It's not your fight. Go play with Bruce Lee's relatives.

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 2:57 PM Third bystander joins the attack against Fooks with killer side kick to barbecue rib:

honor - you can't have it if you can't spell it.

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 2:13 PM:

Union? HAH. We work for a living.

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 2:04 PM:

Honor of the fooks? You mean the scooter repair union right?

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 2:03 PM:

I'll be over to defend the honer of the fooks.

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 2:02 PM:

oh please, like, i'm really gonna miss chicken feet with dirt sauce on fried egg noodles

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 2:00 PM:

Please do not let me defend my fookenese people. I will shut down delivery service to your house.

On Mon, Mar 24, 2008 at 1:56 PM:

Yeah, me and george had a business meeting and then we were gonna eat, but since no meeting, we don't have to keep the fukanese people hidden anymore. feel free to come eat if you take a shower

#12 Scooters

As stated before, Asians like mini, but there is more to their affinity for scooters than a love of small. Scooters are minimalist in design, cheap, and "cute". Like Hello Kitty, they satisfy the Asian Trinity of Design. In places like Thailand, Japan, China, and Taiwan, roads are congested, people are small, and cars are not affordable (unless you purchase knock-off Toyotas like the Delica a.k.a. ghetto-Celica). Scooters provide Asians a way to Po-Pimp and get around the city without having to ride Beijing Bicycles. They are quick, agile, and very kung-fu like in their operation. We rike.

Unlike Americans who look down upon scooters as Metro-Sexual Non-Highway Transportation Vehicles, Asians are much more open minded and less scooter-phobic than their Western brethren. Additionally, scooters are exempt from the 8 block rule. While you'd never take the train or jump in a cab to go 8 blocks, it's acceptable to take the scooter. It's fuel efficient, easy to park, and meant for point A to point A(a) travel. This is helpful when taking a trip to the morning dan bing spot (egg-pancake) or man tou stand (white buns, for breakfast, not fornication) right outside your straw hut or hu-tong.

Additionally, if you, your brothers, your mother, your father, and all your ancestors want to go on a vacation, but your country doesn't offer Fung-Wah Bus Service, jump on the scooter! Cheaper than Hertz or Enterprise rental and a "two-seater" fits 5 Asians. Hatch-back Tent Car Companies (Pontiac, Scion, Honda Element)... good luck tapping into this market!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

#11 Karaoke

Karaoke... Everybody likes karaoke, but Asians OBSESS over karaoke, which was invented by a Japanese singer, Daisuke Inoue in the 1970s. Recently in 2004, Daisuke Inoue received the Ig Nobel Peace Prize for his creation, "thereby providing an entirely new way for people to learn to tolerate each other."

Everyone enjoys karaoke, but while most Americans find it campy, Asians revere it. Many Asians have gained local celebrity for their karaoke skills and are even allowed to bypass bringing food to pot lucks because their vocal stylings are enough. These local celebrities commonly sport long, flowing, Jay Chou-ish hair and bedazzled blazers complete with matching singing shoes. Akin to the amazement white people experience when hearing eloquent black men such as Barack Obama, Asians become enthralled when hearing masterful karaoke performances.

Part of this comes from the respect for great vocal talent, but a large part comes from the happiness that overcomes Asians when they hear "proper English". While many of these karaoke masters can't speak a lick of English, they can sing it. Much like the way singing disguises British accents, singing to a tune dissolves any trace of native Engrish in the Asian singer's voice.

But alas, when the clock strikes zero and the song is over, the carriage disappears, the hair loses its bounce, the luster comes off the singing shoes and all is ruined with the first peep of Engrish that comes barreling out of the audience. It takes just one "FRANTASTIC!" to make 5 minutes of perfect English and euphoria to get sucked right out of the room. Within seconds, all participants come back down to Earth. They aren't in New York, they aren't in LA, and that funny looking F.O.B. isn't Paul McCartney. It's Tai Mai Shu.

#10 Engrish


So what if we speak funny, this is OUR Engrish. Asian languages are frequently tonal and we say what sounds good. Our subject word agreement may be a little bit lacking and the inability to differentiate past from present tense may make comprehension slightly difficult, but hey, we're having more fun with English than you are and we aren't embarrassed that grandma says, "Haro" instead of "hello" or "Brack" instead of "black". If any of you young Asian Americans are embarrassed, GET YOUR MINDS RIGHT and go practice violin before I put my cotton kung-fu shoe up your arse! Smell me??!! Grandma gets to say whatever the hell she wants.

We take pride in adding a little stank to English by replacing "V's" with "B's," "L's" with "R's," "E's" with "A's," and accentuating the first syllable of most words or drawing out the word "HOoooooonnnnnooooooorrrrr".

With Engrish, we like to just get to the point. Police are busy on the F.E.C. (Far East Coast) and there isn't time or patience for conjunctions, articles, or conjugates. Just let us know, "ARE YOU STOLEN?!?"
if you are stolen

Lastly, if you are not Asian and you want to speak Engrish, you're not allowed. Don't wear Engrish t-shirts, don't replace L's with R's, do not ask if I am stolen. I'm ok, you're ok, but mocking my grandma's Engrish is NOT OK.

#9 Mini-Things

Above is the image of a "mini" or "teacup" Chinese Imperial (a.k.a. Shih Tzu). For those who don't know, Asians like "mini" and "teacup" sized objects. According to the National Association of Frat Boy Scientists, the reason for this preference is the same reason they offer for all preferences: phallic characteristics. Stay with me... Cultures model useful items in accordance with the defining characteristic of the male genitalia in the particular culture. All designs are inspired by and modeled after the proportions and characteristics of the genitalia.


For Westerners, items such as film cameras or pasta are symbolic of the genitalia: above average length, probing nature (zoom function on film camera), and susceptible to limp noodle syndrome (spaghetti). For East Asians, there is nothing definitive about the genitalia except the size. In other words, "mini" is the sole and defining characteristic. Whether the Frat Boy Scientists are correct or not, the results can't be denied. East Asia is obsessed with "mini" and "teacup" sized items:

Mini-feet a.k.a. bound feet
Teacup Dogs
Short-grain rice
Asian gymnasts
Plastic Miniatures
Mini-Penis a.k.a. Asian Fertilizer

P.S. The dog is ning's new friend, Gizmo, and it took a dump in my Scottie Pippen Flights today.

#8 Johnnie Walker and Green Tea

johnnie walker and green tea

Oh yeaaa, what better way to wash down a plate of sukiyaki or peking duck than Johnnie Walker Red and Green Tea! Asian meals are high in complex carbohydrates, sodium, and frequently, MSG (In more authentic joints, they don't use MSG, but good luck finding one on this continent!). There is the inevitable food coma and you need a transition drink to get you back on your feet.

A few cups of Johnnie and Green, will get your Asian face flush like a baboon's ass and ready to rock out at some Asian Disco to the sounds of Tom Jones' "Sex Bomb"! Or, an Asian hip hop joint where the DJ has his own Eminem remixes with Engrish voice overs: "Averybody round me ousie, round me ousie!" Trust me, this shit really happens on the FAAAARRRRR East Coast and honestly, it's fun to be at a cross-continental cultural mash-up.

Frequently, we laugh at Asian attempts at cocktails, dancing, and parties in general, but trust me, Johnnie Red and Green is one Asian party elixir that will set it off right. Don't be surprised if you see Matsui pounding them on 8th Street sometime soon or Yao Ming washing his broken foot with JGT for its medicinal properties. Even Johnnie co-signed it, check out his latest trip to the Middle Kingdom.

johnnie walker

#7 Dance Dance Revolution

Asians love DDR because it provides all the essential elements of an Asian Hobby:

1) It is a video game

2) The participant is aided by a lack of height

3) The ability to withstand a barrage of flashing lights and hyper sounds is rewarded

4) There is adequate potential for obsessive compulsive addiction to the activity

5) There is potential for perfection

6) There is a grade given at the end of the activity to indicate performance value

Asians enjoy perfection or at least dedicating their lives to the pursuit of perfection. They believe that the only way to reach this level of perfection or "nirvana" is to be born with OCD. Those not born with OCD are doomed to face a life of mediocrity and happiness, which Asians despise. DDR is like the SAT, for $2 a play, you can re-enforce your superiority over fellow Asians and bring the family pride, respect, and honor.

Before most DDR sessions, Asian mothers feed their children ample carbohydrates (fried rice or meatless dumplings) for energy and brain stimulation. Protein weighs participants down and could lead to turtle heads, so any form of protein is withheld. While the feeding is underway, sisters or grandmothers will prepare the perfect DDR outfit to accompany the performance. There are many potential variations, but the most favored is a bedazzled dim sum waiter's outfit i.e. a vest with sequins and shiny pants. Wardrobing is the yin, dancing is the yang, and carbohydrates are the inner-chi.

#6 Hypercolor

Asians love anything HYPER such as Dance Dance Revolution, Street Fighter Alpha, Virtual reality helmets, but most importantly, we LOVED hypercolor. For those who don't remember the late 80s and early 90s, hypercolor was the shiet! Using a pigment from Matsui Shikiso Chemical of Japan, Generra made clothing that would change colors according to heat. Girls liked the shirts cause they got two outfits in one, and guys liked the tees cause they could tell when a girl was getting hot and horny. It was like Asian red (alcohol blush) you could wear!

But, like all Asian fads, we took it to a level it didn't need to reach: Hypercolor Underwear. To the surprise of Hypercolor, crotches were much warmer than other areas of the human anatomy. As we all know, heat is what activated the color change. What the Hypercolor scientists didn't know is that when exposed to constant elevated heat, the microcapsules in the pigment would break down and the wearer's skin would be exposed directly to the dye. This resulted in PERMANENT coloring of the skin. If you haven't put two and two together by now, let me help. PEOPLE GOT PERMANENT BLUE BALLS and CAMEL TOES.

Today, hypercolor has been outlawed and it is just another relic in the canon of stuff Asian people like. For more, read here

#5 Manners

We've had quite a few posts recently with long explanations so we figured we would explain this 4th Asian favorite through video. It's an instructional video on how to turn down things you like, honor the family, and spend hours passing "gifts" back and forth between you and your other Asian friends. Remember to always do this with restaurant tabs, birthday gifts, lucky red envelopes, daughters, and of course stray virgins you pick up at tea houses.

#4 The Term "Hai Ren"

darkie toothpaste
The image above is the packaging for a brand of toothpaste many Asians, specifically, Taiwanese and Chinese, refer to as "hei ren" toothpaste.Most Asian countries such as China, India, or Korea unified many ethnicities and races to unite under one banner. What people don't know is that part of the agreement to unify, was that a pact was signed agreeing to project all Asian ignorance and hatred outwards toward all non-Asian cultures and races. This was the only way leaders such as Qin Shi Huang Di, The Last Emperor Tom Cruise, and others were able to convince everyone that looting their neighbor's tea house was not the most efficient way of growing their GDP.

This ignorance toward other cultures and ethnocentrism is still prevalent today as evidenced by the term "hei ren," which means "black person" in Chinese. For many Chinese people, it is difficult to say "black people". Hearing the term causes panic, frenzy, and perhaps even the infamous Chinese Fire Drill. Instead, Chinese people say "hei ren". Combining the force of the idea of black people with the native tongue, quells fear and the subject can then be discussed civilly. You could be hearing a keynote speech from a respected scholar on American Film at UC Berkeley and most likely he will stop mid-sentence to speak Chinese if anything "black" is involved. This is done in the interest of safety and security, but I ask, when will it stop people? When can we assimilate the word "black" like we've assimilated "white" into our vocabulary. Is it really that bad grandma?

#3 The Immigrant Smile

At some point in every Asian's life, there will be a time to use the "immigrant smile," the "happy smile," or better known as the, "no prollem, I do for you!" smile. Most often, the smile is used when closing a business transaction or to gloss over unfamiliar or uncomfortable subjects such as the existence of taxes or "hei ren" (will be explained in the next blog).To Asians on the street level, the smile means, "I have no idea what the fuck you just said, but I can already smell your money."

To others, the smile indicates "understanding" or "agreement" but this definition is fleeting. Once the business transaction is finished, the outsider will look into his bag, package, hand, etc and realize, that they did not get what they bargained for. Many times, you'll get a purple shirt instead of a white one, a bull's penis on a stick instead of a hot dog, or perhaps a Custom Jamie Buckle with your name spelled JAMEI. Those living on Canal between Mott and Elizabeth find time for this activity daily, while domesticated Asians employ the tactic less frequently. But, although less frequent, the immigrant smile is a very powerful tool in the sterilized jungle known as Corporate America.

Frequently, the immigrant smile is used on Friday afternoon's with a slightly different definition than the street version and, according to gender, there are variations as well. When co-workers approach Asians around 4pm about taking off early and heading to happy hour, Asian women will employ the immigrant smile and say "sure" or "no problem". Used in this context, the smile means "ooooh, he's so cute, but my grandma would have an anneurism.... I should really focuse on my TPS Reports. Woman Warrior, Woman Warrior!" On the other hand, Asian men being approached to participate in happy hour will use the immigrant smile as well. Translation: "I hope you get wasted, do something inappropriate, and I get your job! HAHAHAHA, America, the Golden Mountain! I Ruv!"Both smiles are understood by the co-worker as acceptances of happy hour invitations, but rest assured, no Asians will show. There's gold in them thar cubicles!

#2 Video Game Inspired Hairstyles

dragon ball z

While members of the dominant culture in America have in-the-flesh role models, most Asians turn to Nintendo for inspiration and leadership. Back in the stone age, most Asian role-models were "screened" off network television and could only be accessed through audio/video cables and cartridges. At first, these devices were not affordable, but as the demand for soy sauce, MSG, and happy ending massages grew, Asians had the resources to acquire the "little grey box" to watch Asian programming on Channel Nintendo.

One of the groundbreaking role models was Goku of Dragon Ball Z fame. If Genghis Khan has the most replicated DNA of all time, Goku has the most replicated hair style, which may or may not be held up with DNA a la Something About Mary. Purists of the hair style claim that the "Father of the Big Black Box," Sonic the Hedgehog, pioneered the hairstyle, but it wasn't until a lily white Goku sported the style that it blew up.Sonic

While Sonic did technically "invent" the style, Goku validated the look by giving it his stamp of approval. Even now, almost 20 years since the original Dragon Ball Z release, Asians are still reppin' hardasian hair

But today, Asians should be proud because they now have in-the-flesh, de-masculinated, Asian representatives on HBO sportin' half-Gokus (the cropped version) and no longer have to use cartridges and audio/video cables for guidance and life lessons. KISSES Lloyd! XOXOrex lee

#1 Walls a.k.a. Cubicles

Great Wall

Since Qin Shi Huang Di decided to begin work on The Great Wall in the 5th Century BC, Asians, and especially Chinese People, have become infatuated with Walls. Originally, the purpose of the Great Wall was to keep out Barbarians, but now, it serves as inspiration for another Asian hobby: Photography.Today, Asians still feel the need to insulate personal genius while blocking out barbaric glances into their exotic world. In response, many smaller walls have been erected to defend against the modern barbarians' ever-advancing attempts at infiltration. The most noticeable variety is of course: cubicles.
Cubicle farm

The cubicle is to modern warfare i.e. ladder climbing, what the Great Wall was to siege defense. Cubicles allow Asians to work quickly, quietly, and under cover. While others congregate around water coolers talking about distractions such as sports, romance (Asians respect family, but not romance or women), or weekends, Asians find refuge in cubicles because they are a strong defense to social interaction. Whether a result of language barriers or just straight forward dislike of other humans, Asians prefer to live in their work leaving only infrequently for meals not involving protein such as vegetable egg rolls or beef FLAVORED instant noodles. Asians see no value in social interaction or barbarian culture preferring instead to focus at the task at hand and hiding their genius.